When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
