my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
That accounts for only three of the penises
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Randomize
