i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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