I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
