I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
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