woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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