I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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