You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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