You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
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