I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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