im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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