The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
there is glitter all over my balls
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
