i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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