Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
