Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
