You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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