I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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