It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize
