trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Randomize