i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
