She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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