EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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