dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
