hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize