i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
