I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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