I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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