She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
