All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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