just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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