I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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