i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
