Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Randomize
