also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Randomize
