Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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