someone threw a dead crab at me
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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