How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Randomize
