dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
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