i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize