It's Friday. Sex?
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
