JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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