who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
