its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
