I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
