i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Randomize
