thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Randomize
