Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Still dying that you shit outside
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Randomize
