You just made me feel so damn special
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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