phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
