Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
