R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
