Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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