If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Less talking, more tequila
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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