my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
should my penis look like a turkey
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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