drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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