Your favorite bartender is back from prision
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
