Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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