Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Randomize
