OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
