I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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