Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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