I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
