I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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