the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Randomize
