Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Randomize
