he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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