Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize