You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
