Banned from zoo.
Again?
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
