i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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