Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
